Home for the Holidays: Sneaking in Sex

by Trisha Hurlburt

Whether you're married or dating someone special enough to bring home with you, the next thing to think about, is how you're going to get away with getting some lovin' while you're at Grandma's. There's nothing like good, old-fashioned sex to help ease the tension of time spent with those near and dear. Naturally, we're here to help.

What follows are some of our favorite ways to play "Hide the Candy Cane," as well as some tips on what to do if you get caught. (It happens.)

Mother Nature is Your Friend
No, we're not kidding. Even folks who don't live in warm spots can get away with this. Well, provided you aren't in Fargo, where it's 30 below by Thanksgiving.

• Take a Nature Walk
• Offer to get firewood, pick up pinecones for decoration, or just say you and your beloved are going for a walk. Find yourselves an out-of-the way location, preferably in an area of thick tree growth, and get busy. Just remember to actually come back with the above-mentioned articles if that was your excuse! We also recommend a standing position, as a frostbitten butt can be a dead giveaway.

• Go on a Sleigh Ride
• Now, granted, this will probably be more for fooling around than actual intercourse, but if you can get away with more without getting arrested, who are we to judge? Anyway, a little forethought and some dexterous hands are all you need, as there should be a thick blanket provided to drape over your laps (though it wouldn't hurt to bring your own, just in case). If you want to add a bit more excitement, bring along a small, quiet vibrating friend.

• Make Use of the Hot Tub
• Proceed with caution here, especially if you're not sure about the, er, cleanliness of the tub. It's also very easy for uninvited guests to sneak up on you because the loud jets make it difficult to hear. But if the coast is clear, go crazy (just try to keep some of the water in the hot tub). The best thing about this option is that you don't even have to get naked; simply move your bathing suits aside.
• Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful (aka, Indoor Fun)

While this will undoubtedly be more comfortable, it also poses a greater degree of difficulty, as most everyone else will probably try to stay indoors. It can be done, though, with a little guile and possibly a gag of some sort (if one or both of you tends to be noisy).

• Get Wet
• Grab your paramour and try to be the first in the shower one morning. You'll probably have to scout a bit to make sure no one sees both of you coming out at the same time, but it'll be worth it. Plus, you won't have to worry about giveaways like sweat on your brow or rumpled clothing!
  
  
• Have a Late-Night Rendezvous
• Agree to meet your partner in a secluded part of the house. Be sure you know where all the other relatives are bunking. It would be awkward to have to explain how you "tripped" and fell onto the couch on top of Cousin Bobby. Naked. If there's a basement (or "rumpus room" as Grandma sometimes calls it; wonder how it got that name?) even better, but in any case, clean up any, um, tell-tale signs. Otherwise, well, ewww.
  
  
• Use Toys
• Especially if partner sex is out of the question -- sex alone is better than no sex at all! There are so many great sex toys now that don't even look like sex toys, you could bring an entire arsenal and no one would be the wiser. A tiny lipstick vibe is perfect for a quick trip to the loo and can be carried with you at all times. Just be sure none of your female relatives try to use it for a touch-up.

  Another great vibe in disguise is the Incognito, a small and super powerful stimulator that looks just like a bottle of pink nail polish! Offer to "do" your partner's toes one night.

On the Go
This may be the easiest to get away with, since it includes any shenanigans along the way to your destination, as well as special trips down memory lane back home.

• Join the Mile High Club
• Or the Greyhound or Amtrak Club if you can't afford to fly. There are some caveats, of course. Do not try to do this in the lavatory -- there's not even room for one person in there anymore. If you are flying, do try to get yourself upgraded to business or first class. There'll be more room, plus, you can pretend you're a rock star and be more likely to get away with it. Needless to say, you'll want to grab a couple blankets.
  
  
• Run Errands
• A variation on the Nature Walk, you could offer to help out by going to the store, post office, mall, what have you. Find your favorite "parking" spot and let loose with the love. As an added bonus, you won't have to explain why you were gone so long, since everyplace is crazy busy around the holidays.
  
  
• Take a Day Trip
• This may be your best option, depending on how long you're staying and how guilty your family will make you feel about taking a day off. There will have to be a little research involved to know what's around, open and least likely to appeal to anyone else in the fam. You definitely don't want to announce your departure and suddenly have a group accompanying you. Though if you like a challenge ...

GETTING CAUGHT
OK, obviously the downside of all this carnal fun is the real possibility that you may get caught. Here are some guidelines to use in the event you're spotted in flagrante delicto, or "going at it butt-naked." How you respond depends on who catches you:

• Mom or Dad
  Now, for the most part, Mom is the more understanding of the parents. More than likely she'll leave the room, apologizing, but then want to talk about it later. If she's a very sexually with-it person, she'll want to talk to both of you so that everything's out in the open and everyone feels "comfortable" -- which, of course, couldn't be further from the truth. But if you can endure that for a few minutes and maybe even throw in an apology, you're pretty well in the clear.
  
  Dad may be a different story -- especially with daughters. My guess is that Dad's reaction will include one or more of the following: his face will turn bright red and he'll try to speak, but won't be able to (enjoy this while you can); his eyes will begin to shoot flames, which he'll direct at the non-family member of the twosome; he will then find his voice and proceed to unleash a host of curses you may not have ever heard before; he'll leave briefly and return with a weapon; or his head will explode. The only way to deal with this is to LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH. Fathers want this lie. In fact, they depend on it. If you can come up with something even remotely believable, all will be well, though you can probably count on Dad sneaking up on the two of you throughout the rest of your visit.
  
  
• Other Family Members
  This group will probably be the most likely to be so embarrassed that it will never be mentioned again. Of course, that is completely dependent upon how open your family is about these things. In my case, my grandmother would either noiselessly back out of the room or clap her hands at us like she does at stray cats. I really don't know and this has not been tested, but I'll keep you posted.
  
  At any rate, if the attitude is to ignore it, great. If not, a simple apology and an abashed, "We just really got into the holiday spirit," should suffice. If we're talking about siblings or cousins that are around your age, I'm sorry, but abject humiliation is yours. For life.
  
  
• Kids
  Let me start by saying that if there are kids around, you should be extra-special careful. Lock the door. Twice. Then put a chair in front of it. You really don't want to have to talk your way out of that one. But if for some reason you do have a security breach, try not to make a big deal of it. If they're young enough, and if you're lucky, they probably won't even know what's going on, anyway. However, be prepared to be outed during a family dinner and have a somewhat believable story ready. The old, "we were just wrestling" usually works for kids under age five.
  
  Older kids are tougher; they know exactly what's going on and are totally willing to use it against you, especially if we're talking about a younger sibling. Bribery may be needed -- though it could turn out to be kind of pricey. Of course, you could always plan ahead and get dirt on them beforehand in case you need the extra leverage.
  
  
• Police
  There's really no getting out of it with these fine folks, as they've heard every story in the book. Hopefully, they've found you because you're enjoying the great outdoors, not because you're doing something illegal, so they'll probably just move you along. Try to be as gracious as possible and don't speak much. I find I tend to babble when I start talking to authority figures and it just makes things worse. But do make sure you both say, "Sorry, Officer," and "Won't happen again." And be sure to call him "Sir" or call her "Ma'am."

No matter what the situation, the most important thing to remember is to stay calm and have a sense of humor about it. I know that's easier said than done when you're negotiating with your nephew over his video footage, but rest assured, the bigger a deal you make of it, the more likely it will be shared with other family members and the longer it will be remembered.

Now you're armed with the know-how for an ecstasy-laden trip to see the family. Be safe (in all ways) and have a fabulous holiday!