Hands-Free Fun!: Bulletins from the Bedroom

Hands-Free Fun!

I own every single remote control clitoral stimulator I can get my hands on. It's not because I'm a nympho. It's not because I'm fascinated by remote-control technology. It's not even because testing them is part of my job.

It's because the hubby and I have found that nothing leads to a more impassioned night of lovemaking than playing with our remote-controlled adult toys while we have dinner at a nice restaurant.

Here's how a typical night goes: My husband says, "Let's go out to dinner." I reply, "Sure!" He asks, "Do you want to take one of your toys with you?" I smile and go to our bedside box to select that evening's treat.

I usually puzzle over my favorite three: the remote-control butterfly vibrator, panty or egg. The remote controlled panties are great because it fits underneath my clothes almost as well as my regular underwear, making for a seamless experience. I also like the remote-control egg, which I insert directly into my vagina for some powerfully erotic G-spot vibrations. But on most nights, I'll pick the remote-control seashell, because I find it incredibly comfortable and extremely exciting. A plastic, purple butterfly that clings to my most erogenous zone, the toy also features a vibrating bullet centered over my clitoris. I can't imagine greater bliss!

After I select my toy for the night, I'll slip into a nice outfit, touch up my lipstick and do something special with my hair. On our way out the door, I'll hand the remote to my hubby, who smiles as he slips it into his pocket.

On the way to dinner, we test the remote to ensure the batteries are working. We test the toy at every stoplight, to be exact. For me, I get a thrill at knowing that every red light means a fun tingling sensation. For him, he gets a thrill at imagining my anticipation of every red light. Suddenly, racing to make it through the intersection isn't nearly as interesting as slowing down when the light turns yellow -- and traffic, which we normally hate, becomes very sexy.

During dinner, my hubby turns on the remote at regular intervals, trying to pick the moments when I'll become the most flustered -- and the most excited. For example, I'll get a zap just as I'm telling the waiter I'd like pan-seared trout, then have to remain calm and unruffled as I tell him I'd prefer potatoes to rice. Or I'll feel a little thrill as I'm lifting the dessert fork to my lips -- giving my chocolate torte with raspberry sauce an entirely new sensual dimension. Or on the way out of the restaurant, he'll turn it on as I'm putting on my coat. By now, my knees are buckling the instant I feel the toy come to life.

The best part about wearing the remote to a restaurant is the interplay between secrecy and shamelessness. Restaurants are so loud no one can possibly hear the hum of the vibrator, so we can be assured that no one will know what's going on under the table. But on the other hand, when we're feeling very bold, we'll leave the remote sitting on the table, daring somebody to see it and guess what we're doing. We both love the mystery of it. Are we being naughty? Will someone figure out our little secret? It's quite a rush.

If we really want to draw out the excitement and anticipation, we go to see a movie afterward. My hubby will turn on the vibrator during action scenes, or jokes, or hot love scenes -- whenever the movie is loud enough to drown out the vibrator -- and by the end I can barely get up to leave.

Suffice it to say that by the time we get home, we make a mad dash for the bedroom.

One thing we found out quickly -- remote control vibrators are quiet, but they are vibrators. Don't think you'll get away with your little game in a quiet lecture hall or art museum. Stick to places with a light cover of sound, and only use remote-control toys at events from which you can easily escape -- nothing is worse than getting worked into a frenzy and being caught in the middle of the opera, where you can't get out without causing a ruckus!

Also, be sure to have a full understanding of the time delay between when your partner turns the remote on or off, and when the vibration actually stops or starts. There have been times when my husband thought he turned off the butterfly, only to realize it was still vibrating -- sometimes at an inopportune moment! Practicing at home isn't a bad idea.

Finally, fresh batteries are your friends! It's no fun to anticipate an evening of fun, only to have your toy die on you before they serve the entrée. Test your batteries before you leave home, and consider carrying a fresh set in your purse.

Sometimes we play with remote-controlled toys to put some spark back into our marriage when things seem to have gotten a little routine. Sometimes we do it just because we're feeling randy and silly. Sometimes we feel a little dangerous and naughty. No matter why we do it, we're always satisfied with the end result: a fabulous evening of lovemaking.