Blog Bedroom Expectations: Sex with Someone New

You’ve admired them for awhile - maybe a few hours, maybe for years.  Maybe you’ve already had those first lingering kisses and are ready to see what’s behind door number two, maybe you’ve only felt the first frisson of mutual attraction and haven’t even touched yet or maybe you’ve been just shy of what you expect will be orchestra-swelling, white-curtains billowing, Hollywood-quality sex and are ready to dive in.

When you’re in passion’s rip current you don’t want to think at all much less to be pragmatic about what you should expect from the first time with a new partner. But  while some first-times are head-spinningly perfect usually they’re just like a lot of other first times. The first time you use a smart phone or navigate to a new destination doesn’t always go swimmingly, and the first time you have sex with someone you’ve got some things to learn about their style, preferences, endurance, objections - and they have all this to learn about you, too. 

Isadora Alman, therapist, speaker and author of the long-running “Ask Isadora,” sex and relationships advice column, has a practical, colorful way of telling us what we really want to know. She recently addressed the topic of first time sex (first time with a new partner or first time ever) in her blog on Psychology Today  and told me to cite away. Here then, are some tips on how to get the best from the first…and frankly, they could be excellent advice for every aspect of life.

 Mindfulness is important and the first thing Isadora suggests is “be sure you’re doing this for the right reason…for you,” not because you feel pressured in anyway. Trusting the other person is also key: “It is soul-destroying to be laughed at or talked about when you are at your most vulnerable.”

Planning….not just as far as protection in the form of condoms, but also as far as setting, This is an important event - treat it that way by making sure the setting is pleasant, private and prepared.

As I mentioned earlier, letting your expectations get you carried away is a mistake and Isadora agrees, suggesting you manage them. Sex “can be less than fulfilling the first few times,” but it gets better the more you learn about each other. 

That education has always been a huge part of the fun for me and having fun is Isadora’s last suggestion and it’s an emphatic one:  “If ever there was a time to be in the moment, this is it,” she writes, and boy is that the truth. The discovery of a sweet spot where they love to be stroked, of a position that seems made for you, when you become relaxed enough to explore things you never thought you would, they’re all part of learning the other person and finding, eventually, that you’re looking forward to the 20th time even more than you did the very first.